
Last night, we went to see The Year of Magical Thinking, the stage play starring Vanessa Redgrave based upon the memoir by Joan Didion. It concerns the deaths, within a few months, of her husband and then her daughter. It is not for the faint-hearted.
(In fact, during the performance several people left, I wondered whether overwhelmed. Someone else almost stopped Redgrave's monologue with a massive snore: if I was a Freudian, I would guess that the culprit was himself grieving, his falling asleep and then snort being a subconscious attempt to block out and then interrupt the play.)
The Didion character dwells on the horrid abruptness of death, even when expected. On how you imagine you know how you might be affected, but actually you do not. For example, you suspect you will feel crazy for a while but you have no idea that you will do truly crazy things, like not throwing out his shoes because he will need them when he comes back.
The reference to magical thinking refers to the anthropological observation that tribes perform certain rituals, according to strict rules, in the hope of averting or reversing fate. Modern people presume they are above magical thinking. In fact, Didion prides herself on being able to cope, on doing the right thing, on managing his and her posthumous affairs. Until she realises that coping and managing are her magical thinking: she performs the rituals and adheres to the rules that the modern world requires believing it will bring him and her back.
I was reminded of Montaigne's essay, Of Friendship, when he reflects on the untimely death of his soulmate, Étienne de La Boétie.
Since that day when I lost him, I merely drag wearily on. The very pleasures which are proffered me do not console me: they redouble my sorrow at his loss. In everything we were halves: I feel I am stealing his share from him. Nor is it right for me to enjoy pleasures, I decided, while he who shared things with me is absent from me. I was already used and accustomed to being, in everything, one of two, that I now feel I am no more than a half. There is no deed nor thought in which I do not miss him.
That sense of stealing a share from the one who has died comes across in Didion's need to be alone: she can't risk enjoying being with other friends since that would be a betrayal, like forcing someone to stay at home while you go off to a party. And notice Montaigne's use of the phrase 'while he who shared things with me is absent from me'. The 'while' implies La Boétie will return, with the implication that if only he holds off enjoying things, that will cause the return. That's the craziness theme coming through.
Then there is the blunt experience of being 'no more than half'. Of course, unlike cakes, this is something human beings simply cannot be.
That is the truly harrowing moment in Montaigne's essay. And even though the play is on one of the big stages at the National, and it is a one woman show, Redgrave's performance has moments when it touches the void. 'I need him!', Didion finally and simply yells out, after all the subtleties of her analysis.
That said, I also found it intellectually fascinating as a study of human loss, of how we are connected to others, and how they are part of us. Aristotle referred to that as the consciousness that the loved one is 'another self': you can't know yourself, he said, unless you know another, which comes with the even more tricky corollary that you can't know yourself unless you are known by another.
It does seem to be the case that post-Enlightenment science and culture has little idea of this interdependence. Often, it positively disbelieves it, which is no doubt why death is an awkward subject, if not taboo. I think I have little idea of it, the glimpse I have being prompted by the experience of loss following the early death of my mother. The same seems to have been true of Montaigne too, he being an early modern figure and only understanding the fulness of his link with La Boétie when his soulmate died: it is a sign of the times that the essay Of Friendship is at one and the same time an essay Of Death.
This raises something else about death that is perhaps surprising: how life takes courage. You might be conscious that those closest to you will die, and so try to make your living together a manifestation of joyful connectedness while it lasts. But it is easier to be haunted by the future separation of death, with the result that you hold back from togetherness for fear of what it portends.
However, there is hope in this - demonstrated by the sense that The Year of Magical Thinking is in fact life affirming. I felt I had been with something real. As the grieving sometimes say, even as they suffer: they know they are alive. And that is good.